This is A story of a Boy

Training officially started last monday for my new account. Not that I really love my old account, but I can't really help to differentiate between my old and new job. New people to meet and a same old brand new environment to adapt. The new account is very nosebleeding and a lot of processed to memorize.

Since the shift is already at night, I have been dealing hardly with sleepiness all the time. For the past three years here in the company, my duty is in the mid morning but had enough time to go on party at night. Now that the shift is new, then I guess I just need to accept the fact that I'm starting to live a no life already.

Great part of our body is composed of liquid. Mine? It's not really that amazing if caffeine has been my blood eversince I worked in a call center industry. For most of us here working, coffee and carbonated drinks have been our favorite drugs to keep us alive and awake.

I'm not really a coffe drinker until such time that you should drink it because you need it not because you just want it. I always tell my mom to stop drinking coffe since I read a lot of references and most of the time read about the bad connotation of drinking coffee. But my Mom would only reply, "I feel weak when I can't drink one".

Sun comes up just a few minutes. Maybe I should sleep now.

Im tired and I feel like crying. I've got lots of mixed emotions right now and I really want to puke them out of my system. Never been this sober enough, enough to feel that I am starting to feel pain. And that mean that I am still alive. Capable of hurt and bliss.

I've been drinking a lot these past few days with no apparent reasons at all. The blood that is pumping all over my body is already composed of alcohol which somehow let me escaped from the moment of torment, our at least prolonging the agony.

My life is stirring not into the proper direction but in the avenue that I never should be in the first place. I put on my mask, a beautiful mask enough to be flamboyant in this game of masquerade, which in the end I won. But in the end of the party, it is me who feels empty, drained, lonely and used.

I really feel sorry for myself now. I screwed everything and even blew up all the people around me. I really don’t know myself, as what my best friend told me before. Nothing is right for me right now, and I am asking myself if all of these were really meant to happen.

Why can’t we just love someone and stay like that forever? Why do we feel change of hearts from time to time? Why can’t someone I love can never love me in return? Why do I keep on hurting the people who love me as if I never cared for their feelings? Why do I hate myself of having this life?

I want to drink again tonight. Drown myself in the abyss of darkness where all I can feel is me. Myself and its emptiness, I want to feel my cold heart pumping. Be sorry for all the people I hurt.

I’m wishing that somewhere along my silence, there will be someone who can tell me, “Come out. Its over”.

I wanna shout to the world how b*tchy this life can be soetimes. On how lousy the people around me and how sick their lives that it made me puke.I have been too nice up to now, and I think it must be time to show how ass kicker I am.

I ran out of money, I don't know why but I am not really a pro when it comes to budgeting. My mom is, and actually a tyrant if we are talking about money and I did not even got .01 percent of her personality. I guess overspending always comes with the happy go lucky persona that I have.

I asked my used to be "best friend" via yahoo chat if he can lend me a thousand bucks to pay my long overdue credit to my office mate. I was hoping for some death threats already from her since I am already two months delayed and she might be thinking I'm running away from her. Thank goodness that never happened cos I might be in the street now covered with a bandera news paper drowned in blood.

OK. That's gore and way beyond imagining.

What pissed me off is that he told me he has the money but cannot do so since he is busy in the office. Will it hurt to go out and deposit the money for less than half an hour? I even laid all the options how he can send me the money, but still refused for the love of his office and choose to let his friend suffer. I think it must be the new definition of friendship now from my dear ol' webster. Would it be easier and less hurtful if he'd only slapped me in the face with the word NO?

I even pleaded I can wait till Sunday, and I guess he already has an ample time by the weekend for my request. But again, I received a negative reply.

Sometimes, we should learn to say no to something if we really intend to say no. Come on, whats the use of fabricating your answer when all of it will end up to refusal? I guess it is also a wake up call that, in due time you will know who your true friends are, when one of you has fallen. Some of them will turn their back on you, but their will always be someone who doesn't mind to fall too, just to see you get back on your two feet again.

Now I know.

I am really wondering how ordinary people can be sometimes so influential to us. I have been asking myself most of the time if it is luck that brought them on their pedestal or just merely their will and sacrifices for other people to notice them.

We can see a lot of stories of people that became heroes in their own ways mostly in magazines or in televisions. One common factor from most of them is their humble beginning which did not fail to amaze me. How?

I have lots of personal favorites of set of people that influenced me. There's Princess Diana, Luther King, Gandhi and Mother Theresa of India. They are only a few people out of hundred that influenced most of us and shaped humanity and strive to make the world a better place to live in. For me, they are the emblem of beauty, knowledge, faith, love and peace.

Another person who is starting to influence me a lot is the current President of the USA. President Barrack Obama who is the first black American president in the history of the state. His story is a living example that someday, change is there in a least unexpected way even if some of us thinks it is impossible to happen. He gave us hope that all of the people should be equal and should have the rights as what is written in law and in the Bible.

There are still more things we are expecting to happen in this world. By whatever it means, I hope it is a positive change. All we need is change.

I got this poem from Ricardo F. Lo (Philstar News Service, www.philstar.com) who posted this poem in Yahoo Philippines. The poem is so good, I even wondered If I have done those things. The poem was made by a boy dying in cancer in New York.

Slow Dance

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down,

Don’t dance too fast.

Time is short,

The music won’t last.

Do you run through each day

Or do you fly?

When you ask, “How are you?”

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You’d better slow down,

Don’t dance too fast.

Time is short,

The music won’t last.

Ever told your child,

“We’ll do it tomorrow?”

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch

Let a good friendship die

‘Cause you never had time

To call and say, “Hi?”

You’d better show down,

Don’t dance too fast.

Time is short,

The music won’t last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through

your day,

It is like an unopened gift...

Thrown away.

Life is not a race,

Do take it slower.

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

I am sick. This very hot weather and the air condition in the office makes my lungs weak. This just started yesterday when I woke up having a very bad head. Feels like tens of workers are drilling my head. I don't like the feeling of having flu this summer. I hate it, plus the fact that I need to go to the office still. Feels like a suicide to me.

Good thing is that I already joined my friends for summer outing just last week before this flu attacked me. I can't afford to say at home with the thermometer at my mouth while those bitches are enjoying the sea and pool. It's really unfair when I have been a very good boy all this month.

What's so devastating today is there's no nurse nor available meds at the office. Where the hell are they? Imagine, I need to buy remedies for my nose out of my pocket because there's no nurse on duty and the guard on duty don't know where the meds are. What I really want to express here is that there should always be a nurse on duty even if it's holiday. What if some of the workers here got accident and needs some first aid? Who will we call? Saints?

Geh, I feel my head pulsating. Need to sleep early now. Oh oh oh! Wait, I wanted to join a summer dance workshop this summer. Anybody here who knows some information about that here in Cebu?

Notes: Thanks tistelblomst of photobucket for the pix

Why is is that sometimes we need to decide on things even if there are no choices available for us to choose? Why is it that sometimes, we need to do decisions against our will and in the end, face regrets for the outcome of it?

Decisions have been part of our lives since the day we decided to tell our parents we can do things we wanted to do. To tie or shoelaces, to eat Gerber or not or to go to school alone.Decisions on when to let go or when to hold on.

Growing up means taking responsibilities to one self and acting on decisions we are planning to make. We no longer rely on things or reasons from other people, and sometimes the things that we choose are not the result of what we are wishing for. Not all decisions are bound for success, but most of the time, learning comes after our decisions got failed.

My teacher in elementary always tell us to grow up and be mature in everything that we do. That of course include the responsibility of owning up decisions and facing them with dignity. But what did our teacher fail to tell us is that mistakes were part of our lives and it is OK to commit mistakes as long as we are learning out of it.

I don't know. There are things I wanted them to go back and relationships I want to rekindle. But some things should be left as what they are now. I have made my decision and there's no turning back. I have no regrets, but only lessons from the past that I will carry on for the future.

I just ended a three year long relationship with my girlfriend last night. I just don't want to pretend I'm OK for too long when in fact I am not happy anymore. It's kinda sad for me to do it. but I don't have a choice. It will be us who will suffer someday knowing that I'm running out of love and just keeping it in the silence. I don't want regrets, I don't want "if's" in the future, and I don't wanna lie to someone.

I really appreciate the effort that my girlfriend exerted towards the relationship just to make it work. I know I can never find a girl like her that loves me so much. She loves for who I am, for what she sees in her eyes and for accepting me as a man and the imperfections in me.

I don't know why but I think I am not really ready yet to commit my self wholly to someone as of this moment. I have so many plans in my life that I need to achieve yet and somehow, sadly to say, I prefer to be single now. I love the freedom that I am giving to myself and the guilt free things that I am doing without thinking that someone is hurting because of what I am doing.

I have learned to let her go from the moment I told her the word goodbye. I am hoping she can also do that. I don't want her to be sad and I don't want her to cry for me because this relationship is not wasted. I am still happy to be her friend. I am still hoping we can find happiness amidst finding our own comfort niche in this world.

I'm letting her go.

My office mates knows me well by how i dress up myself. Sometimes, people will judge you on how you look physically and how you carry yourself in the public. That's why I really make sure everyday that I don't look bad when I step out of my door.

I have lots of clothes in my closet. I am a self confessed clothes addict back then. Dressing up myself is one way of expressing myself to the public that's why I always buy clothes if I have time every payday to add to my collection.

I received an email about this new guy called George McCracken. And boy! I just love his creations. they are something you want to wear everyday.



Damn. Would love to get that look! Nao.

I was inspired by the book of Randy Pausch entitled “The Last Lecture” to write my own, let’s say small speech to the imaginary public. Though I haven’t read the book yet, there are lots of excerpt taken from the book in various websites for reference. The book somehow tells us about his famous speech while battling cancer and expecting his days to end soon because of his illness.

Once in a blue moon lang ako nag popost ng serious posts. So I might give it a shot ngayun. Maganda kasi ang idea. So here I go….

Once in my life, I became a teacher, a tutor and a mentor to souls I never had direct relations with. People or I might say students that imparted a small amount of their lives, entrusting them to me for a short period of time. But that shortness of time can never equal the amount of memories that I will carry through my days as I meet new people to play and be part in my circle of life.

I was never a perfect teacher for my students nor a perfect son for my dad. I live my life thinking if what would Ill be now if my dad only stayed longer to see his son grow up. Maybe a doctor? A priest? A policeman? Or just a simple boy living in a happy home. But mom, as always been the positive energy giver in our home told me that everything has its own reasons why it happened. Sooner or later, even though how bad that thing is, time will soon place all things into its proper places in its own proper time. Then that’s the time I will understand how the hand of God works.

It was never easy to grow up knowing that a part of you is totally missing forever. It’s like having a home with no roof at all. Up until now, I never attended a family day at school since my father passed away. But I never felt bitterness in my life because I never given a chance to experience proudly introducing my dad to my classmates and tell them how cool my dad is. Not bitterness, but I guess its being envy that is slowly killing my heart. But I never let it got into me, I faced my life with no regrets and be happy for what I have and what I don’t have. That’s what my life is. Acceptance.

The feeling of loneliness never stopped me in doing what I need to do. Life must go on, and I need to move on. I never let myself stopped for a moment and let it stagnant because I know it is myself that I’ll be hurting in the end. I still remember that after dad bid his last breath, it was only once I wasted my tears for that young goodbye and untimely death. From the moment I burst into painful tears, I told myself that it is not a cry of grieving but more of a cry of winning the remaining fights in my life.

How will you feel standing at the stage, receiving your medal and awards with no parents beside you unlike the rest of recipients standing with you at the center, showing their smiles as camera flashes to immortalize the moment? I wished I was never there.

I never thought of being a rebel to my mom since I know she also has her work to be done. I keep on feeding my conscience that it is selfish to demand something to my mom just because I don’t want people to feel that I’m lacking a part of myself. That I want them to know I’m perfectly fine and happy amidst those medals and certificates that I have been receiving each year. Never in my whole life had I told my mom about this. And I guess she will never will. Life is too short to dwell and focus on life shortcomings. But nevertheless, I know mom is proud of his boy. Even though she never saw me walking up in that stage.

I always tell to my students that there is more to learn in life than learning life thru a book. I don’t know, but for me the best teacher would be the experience it self. You will never know how the apple really tastes by just reading how people describe it. You need to taste it by yourself savoring its sweetness inch by inch. How will you know love if you are only reading how Romeo loved Juliet? How will you know the pain of failing? Only by failing itself.

Truly, what really I am today is the product of what I am in the past. Though dad was never there to teach me how to tie my shoe, he never saw me celebrating my youth, how I attended my first ever prom, and how his son became popular at school still the reason why I am here, to the place I ever wanted to be is because of him. It was never because of me why I triumphed in my life, but because of the will my dad told me before he finally climbed to his deathbed. I need to finish school, no matter what since that is the only treasure he can give to me. And gladly I did.

Then how being a teacher and life related to each other? It is because life is our teacher, and we, being the learners should be also the teachers to others sharing the knowledge of what life has given us. I was never been a perfect teacher I told myself here for a second time. But the tears, hugs and smiles from my students when I left them is enough to tell them that I have embarked small lessons in life in them. That I was an effective mentor to them as well as how they teach me that youth is not something you can measure by age, but on how you view yourself.

Before I end this post, I would like to share a reflection that I have read this morning from my book:

There is rawness and a wonder to life. Pursue it. Hunt for it. Sell out to get it. Don’t listen to the whines of those who have settled for a second rate life and want you to do the same so they won’t feel guilty. Your goal is not to live long; it’s to live.

Jesus says the options are clear. On one side there is the voice of safety. You can build a fire in the hearth, stay inside, and stay warm and dry safe.

Or you can hear the voice of adventure,- God’s adventure. Instead of building a fire in your hearth, build a fire in your heart. Follow God’s impulses. Adopt the child. Move overseas. Teach the class. Change careers. Run for office. Make a difference. Sure it isn’t safe, but what it is?

-He still moves stone