This is A story of a Boy

Training officially started last monday for my new account. Not that I really love my old account, but I can't really help to differentiate between my old and new job. New people to meet and a same old brand new environment to adapt. The new account is very nosebleeding and a lot of processed to memorize.

Since the shift is already at night, I have been dealing hardly with sleepiness all the time. For the past three years here in the company, my duty is in the mid morning but had enough time to go on party at night. Now that the shift is new, then I guess I just need to accept the fact that I'm starting to live a no life already.

Great part of our body is composed of liquid. Mine? It's not really that amazing if caffeine has been my blood eversince I worked in a call center industry. For most of us here working, coffee and carbonated drinks have been our favorite drugs to keep us alive and awake.

I'm not really a coffe drinker until such time that you should drink it because you need it not because you just want it. I always tell my mom to stop drinking coffe since I read a lot of references and most of the time read about the bad connotation of drinking coffee. But my Mom would only reply, "I feel weak when I can't drink one".

Sun comes up just a few minutes. Maybe I should sleep now.

Im tired and I feel like crying. I've got lots of mixed emotions right now and I really want to puke them out of my system. Never been this sober enough, enough to feel that I am starting to feel pain. And that mean that I am still alive. Capable of hurt and bliss.

I've been drinking a lot these past few days with no apparent reasons at all. The blood that is pumping all over my body is already composed of alcohol which somehow let me escaped from the moment of torment, our at least prolonging the agony.

My life is stirring not into the proper direction but in the avenue that I never should be in the first place. I put on my mask, a beautiful mask enough to be flamboyant in this game of masquerade, which in the end I won. But in the end of the party, it is me who feels empty, drained, lonely and used.

I really feel sorry for myself now. I screwed everything and even blew up all the people around me. I really don’t know myself, as what my best friend told me before. Nothing is right for me right now, and I am asking myself if all of these were really meant to happen.

Why can’t we just love someone and stay like that forever? Why do we feel change of hearts from time to time? Why can’t someone I love can never love me in return? Why do I keep on hurting the people who love me as if I never cared for their feelings? Why do I hate myself of having this life?

I want to drink again tonight. Drown myself in the abyss of darkness where all I can feel is me. Myself and its emptiness, I want to feel my cold heart pumping. Be sorry for all the people I hurt.

I’m wishing that somewhere along my silence, there will be someone who can tell me, “Come out. Its over”.

I wanna shout to the world how b*tchy this life can be soetimes. On how lousy the people around me and how sick their lives that it made me puke.I have been too nice up to now, and I think it must be time to show how ass kicker I am.

I ran out of money, I don't know why but I am not really a pro when it comes to budgeting. My mom is, and actually a tyrant if we are talking about money and I did not even got .01 percent of her personality. I guess overspending always comes with the happy go lucky persona that I have.

I asked my used to be "best friend" via yahoo chat if he can lend me a thousand bucks to pay my long overdue credit to my office mate. I was hoping for some death threats already from her since I am already two months delayed and she might be thinking I'm running away from her. Thank goodness that never happened cos I might be in the street now covered with a bandera news paper drowned in blood.

OK. That's gore and way beyond imagining.

What pissed me off is that he told me he has the money but cannot do so since he is busy in the office. Will it hurt to go out and deposit the money for less than half an hour? I even laid all the options how he can send me the money, but still refused for the love of his office and choose to let his friend suffer. I think it must be the new definition of friendship now from my dear ol' webster. Would it be easier and less hurtful if he'd only slapped me in the face with the word NO?

I even pleaded I can wait till Sunday, and I guess he already has an ample time by the weekend for my request. But again, I received a negative reply.

Sometimes, we should learn to say no to something if we really intend to say no. Come on, whats the use of fabricating your answer when all of it will end up to refusal? I guess it is also a wake up call that, in due time you will know who your true friends are, when one of you has fallen. Some of them will turn their back on you, but their will always be someone who doesn't mind to fall too, just to see you get back on your two feet again.

Now I know.