This is A story of a Boy

I just ended a three year long relationship with my girlfriend last night. I just don't want to pretend I'm OK for too long when in fact I am not happy anymore. It's kinda sad for me to do it. but I don't have a choice. It will be us who will suffer someday knowing that I'm running out of love and just keeping it in the silence. I don't want regrets, I don't want "if's" in the future, and I don't wanna lie to someone.

I really appreciate the effort that my girlfriend exerted towards the relationship just to make it work. I know I can never find a girl like her that loves me so much. She loves for who I am, for what she sees in her eyes and for accepting me as a man and the imperfections in me.

I don't know why but I think I am not really ready yet to commit my self wholly to someone as of this moment. I have so many plans in my life that I need to achieve yet and somehow, sadly to say, I prefer to be single now. I love the freedom that I am giving to myself and the guilt free things that I am doing without thinking that someone is hurting because of what I am doing.

I have learned to let her go from the moment I told her the word goodbye. I am hoping she can also do that. I don't want her to be sad and I don't want her to cry for me because this relationship is not wasted. I am still happy to be her friend. I am still hoping we can find happiness amidst finding our own comfort niche in this world.

I'm letting her go.

My office mates knows me well by how i dress up myself. Sometimes, people will judge you on how you look physically and how you carry yourself in the public. That's why I really make sure everyday that I don't look bad when I step out of my door.

I have lots of clothes in my closet. I am a self confessed clothes addict back then. Dressing up myself is one way of expressing myself to the public that's why I always buy clothes if I have time every payday to add to my collection.

I received an email about this new guy called George McCracken. And boy! I just love his creations. they are something you want to wear everyday.



Damn. Would love to get that look! Nao.

I was inspired by the book of Randy Pausch entitled “The Last Lecture” to write my own, let’s say small speech to the imaginary public. Though I haven’t read the book yet, there are lots of excerpt taken from the book in various websites for reference. The book somehow tells us about his famous speech while battling cancer and expecting his days to end soon because of his illness.

Once in a blue moon lang ako nag popost ng serious posts. So I might give it a shot ngayun. Maganda kasi ang idea. So here I go….

Once in my life, I became a teacher, a tutor and a mentor to souls I never had direct relations with. People or I might say students that imparted a small amount of their lives, entrusting them to me for a short period of time. But that shortness of time can never equal the amount of memories that I will carry through my days as I meet new people to play and be part in my circle of life.

I was never a perfect teacher for my students nor a perfect son for my dad. I live my life thinking if what would Ill be now if my dad only stayed longer to see his son grow up. Maybe a doctor? A priest? A policeman? Or just a simple boy living in a happy home. But mom, as always been the positive energy giver in our home told me that everything has its own reasons why it happened. Sooner or later, even though how bad that thing is, time will soon place all things into its proper places in its own proper time. Then that’s the time I will understand how the hand of God works.

It was never easy to grow up knowing that a part of you is totally missing forever. It’s like having a home with no roof at all. Up until now, I never attended a family day at school since my father passed away. But I never felt bitterness in my life because I never given a chance to experience proudly introducing my dad to my classmates and tell them how cool my dad is. Not bitterness, but I guess its being envy that is slowly killing my heart. But I never let it got into me, I faced my life with no regrets and be happy for what I have and what I don’t have. That’s what my life is. Acceptance.

The feeling of loneliness never stopped me in doing what I need to do. Life must go on, and I need to move on. I never let myself stopped for a moment and let it stagnant because I know it is myself that I’ll be hurting in the end. I still remember that after dad bid his last breath, it was only once I wasted my tears for that young goodbye and untimely death. From the moment I burst into painful tears, I told myself that it is not a cry of grieving but more of a cry of winning the remaining fights in my life.

How will you feel standing at the stage, receiving your medal and awards with no parents beside you unlike the rest of recipients standing with you at the center, showing their smiles as camera flashes to immortalize the moment? I wished I was never there.

I never thought of being a rebel to my mom since I know she also has her work to be done. I keep on feeding my conscience that it is selfish to demand something to my mom just because I don’t want people to feel that I’m lacking a part of myself. That I want them to know I’m perfectly fine and happy amidst those medals and certificates that I have been receiving each year. Never in my whole life had I told my mom about this. And I guess she will never will. Life is too short to dwell and focus on life shortcomings. But nevertheless, I know mom is proud of his boy. Even though she never saw me walking up in that stage.

I always tell to my students that there is more to learn in life than learning life thru a book. I don’t know, but for me the best teacher would be the experience it self. You will never know how the apple really tastes by just reading how people describe it. You need to taste it by yourself savoring its sweetness inch by inch. How will you know love if you are only reading how Romeo loved Juliet? How will you know the pain of failing? Only by failing itself.

Truly, what really I am today is the product of what I am in the past. Though dad was never there to teach me how to tie my shoe, he never saw me celebrating my youth, how I attended my first ever prom, and how his son became popular at school still the reason why I am here, to the place I ever wanted to be is because of him. It was never because of me why I triumphed in my life, but because of the will my dad told me before he finally climbed to his deathbed. I need to finish school, no matter what since that is the only treasure he can give to me. And gladly I did.

Then how being a teacher and life related to each other? It is because life is our teacher, and we, being the learners should be also the teachers to others sharing the knowledge of what life has given us. I was never been a perfect teacher I told myself here for a second time. But the tears, hugs and smiles from my students when I left them is enough to tell them that I have embarked small lessons in life in them. That I was an effective mentor to them as well as how they teach me that youth is not something you can measure by age, but on how you view yourself.

Before I end this post, I would like to share a reflection that I have read this morning from my book:

There is rawness and a wonder to life. Pursue it. Hunt for it. Sell out to get it. Don’t listen to the whines of those who have settled for a second rate life and want you to do the same so they won’t feel guilty. Your goal is not to live long; it’s to live.

Jesus says the options are clear. On one side there is the voice of safety. You can build a fire in the hearth, stay inside, and stay warm and dry safe.

Or you can hear the voice of adventure,- God’s adventure. Instead of building a fire in your hearth, build a fire in your heart. Follow God’s impulses. Adopt the child. Move overseas. Teach the class. Change careers. Run for office. Make a difference. Sure it isn’t safe, but what it is?

-He still moves stone

I really don't know but there is a hopeless romantic guy just sleeping within me. People might never noticed it, since I really not into actions, including my Princess. I really find it too mushy for that stuffs that is why I never have the guts to show it too much through my actions. But indeed, I am a self proclaimed hopeless romeo.

Last night, I decided to buy a DVD for myself instead of going out to have some booze with my friends. Its new year and I don't want to start the year being wasted. So i tried to be a good boy and locked myself in my room the whole night with the help of the DVD's that I bought.

I am bit choosy when it comes to buying things, most especially DVD's since it is not only for killing time but for my collection as well. After an hour of choosing and scanning the DVDs that are lined up in a cool organized way, I decided to buy two of it: Tristan and Isolde and Monster Inc.

Well, honestly I have tried to watch Tristan and Isolde before when I was still in my dear hometown way back circa 2006, but unfortunately due to a bad copy since it is pirated, I ended up frustrated by not finishing the movie since it is acting crazy. Imagine the movie jumping from one scene to another, freezing up for minutes and the going back to step one. Result: phucking cd!

I never thought the movie can be more beautiful than Romeo and Juliet, which I didn't find soo good so I end up ejecting it out from the player during the first part. It moved me, though you might say to my face that it is another tragic love story. And it opened my eyes to view the different side of being in love.

There's a scene in the movie that breaks my heart after hearing it. It was when Isolde wed King Marke and after the ceremony, Isolde passed Tristan and said these words:

Isolde: If things were different, if we lived in a place without duty, would you be with me?
Tristan: That place does not exist.
Isolde: [sobs] I'll pretend it's you.

Rejection is part of our lives, and whether we like it or not, it hurts us a lot. What can hurt as more is when the one who promised us beautiful things is the one who will reject us in the end. Life's been like that before my Princess came into my life. And I have learned a lot from it.

There are things more than life. Not death, but love. Love is a powerful thing than can change our lives from just a moment of savoring it.Love creates no boundaries, it always looks beyond on what seemed to be limited with our own eyes. Love is a process of owning someone, but also having the courage to let them go in the end.

We cant have all forever, all good things must come to an end. When that time comes we all must be ready to let go. Letting go is painful, but it is always the consequence of loving someone. I may never know how long I can have my Princess, but one thing for sure, I will love her till my last breath.

Too bad, the ending is tragic.

Indeed, before Romeo and Juliet, there's Tristan and Isolde.

I spent my xmas inside the four walls of my room together with the one I love. Both alone, holding each other waiting for nothing. That time was the most wonderful time in my life when all I'm wishing is to stop the time and freeze it permanently.

The only sound that we can hear is the choir from a nearby church singing its praises as the time when Christ was born approaches. I can hear angels singing making my soul rest with my own beautiful angel sleeping quietly beside me. I'm lost in her embrace, and I don't wanna go back again to reality if all of this is unreal.

Being with her finally seems eternity. The cold air that enters the room from the opposite veranda door where we lay added a yuletide flavor for our serene environment. I stroked her hair as if I'm playing a harp, slowly feeling each of her strands, watching the movement that my fingers made.

Damn, I'm so in love with this angel...

I never felt so bored all my life. I feel like Ive been dwelling on this same stagnant place since then. A cup of coffee, pen and paper and a pack of cigarette have been occupying my choco colored table the whole time I seated on this fashionable knitted chair.

The more I stay here, the deeper I know myself. But there's more than a cup of coffee that I have been searching for. Though I have been living with contentment all my life with these simple things I have on my table, still there's emptiness...

That has been sitting beside me...all my life.

My boss sent me this thru email. I just want to share this, so I re posted it. Happy reading.

(This is a true story that happened in Japan)

In order to renovate the house, someone in Japan tears open the wall.
Japanese houses normally have a hollow space between wooden walls.
When tearing down the walls, he found that there was a lizard stuck there
because a nail from outside hammered into one of its feet.

He sees this, feels pity and at the same time curious, as when he checked the nail,
it was nailed 10years ago when the house was first built. What happened?

The lizard survived in such position for 10years in a dark wall partition for 10years without even moving.
It is impossible and mind-boggling.
Then he wondered how this lizard survived for 10years without moving a single step since its foot was nailed.

So he stopped his work and observed the lizard. what is has been doing, and what and how it has been eating.
Later, not knowing from where it came, appears another lizard, with food in its mouth.
Ahh! He was stunned and touched deeply.
For the lizard that was stuck by nail, another lizard has been feeding it for the past 10years.

Such love, such a beautiful love! Such love happened even with this tiny creature.
What can love do? It can do wonders! Love can do miracles!

Imagine what it has been doing that lizard untiringly for 10years, without giving up hope on its partner.
Imagine what a small creature can do, that a creature blessed with a brilliant mind can't.
I was touched when I heard this story and started wondering about relationships between family members, friends, lovers, brothers and sisters.

As information and communication technology advances, our access to information becomes faster and faster that we can ever imagine.
But the distance between human being... is it getting closer as well?

I am convinced that the lesson of this all, is never to abandon our love ones.
As the saying goes, " One will never appreciate and understand the value of another until he is gone."

Not all humans have the gift of freedom. Freedom to speak themselves, freedom to wear what they want, and the freedom to love who they want. Like a bird, I wanted to be free. Free from bondage and has the power to fly.

But I guess, it will be only in my dreams.

When I was a little kid, my mom told me the power of wishing. We would sit together beside our window at night and wait for a shooting star to fall from the dark blue sky. She told me that once I saw a falling star, I will then make a wish and that wish will come true. Being a child at heart, I still believed in it after 18 years after growing up in a old fashioned way. I would stare blankly in the sky at night, waiting for that lucky star in the sky to fall down, wishing of something to end. I hold my hands tight and put them near my heart, feeling every beat of it and grasping every single hope instilled on it.

Wishing also gives us the feeling that there is still hope beyond loneliness out there. My mom only taught me the power of wishing, but she never told me that life could be cruel sometimes. And love is the most sublime thing a man could ever felt, but it is also the painful feeling a boy wouldn’t even wished for. She just let me go out into the world, and the rest is up for me to learn. I understand why she did it, because she, even herself cannot describe love on her own meaning. Love depends on the person who feels it. Day by day, I gently realized how painful it is to wish for someone you knew that can never be yours. However, I still believed deep in my heart that there is still hope for my wishing heart.

I met someone who made me fall head over heels. She was all I could ever need and the best gift a falling star could ever give me. My heart burns every time we talk to each other one summer breeze and my heart grew fonder all seasons. But the angel that I thought would care for my heart is the angel who chooses to break my heart. I wished she could love me the way I loved her, but she also wishes for someone to love…more than the love I am giving her. We are both hopeless wishers looking up on that starless sky, but she didn’t know that when she wishes, my heart bleeds. Not for my failed hopes, but for the reason that my love is not enough for her.

One day her wishes came true. The stars gave her the missing puzzle of her heart, so perfectly fitted for her, while I am still there sitting on a bench, waiting for my wishes to come true. I held my hands so tight, put them near my heart and wished for something new. As I ended my wish, tears fell down my cheeks, still feeling my heart beat with my clasped hands. I wished I can let her go, and I wished I never loved her for the pain is killing me.

“Mom, I have loved someone, but she chooses to break my heart. You only taught me about wishing and about hope. But you never taught me about love and letting go”. I asked mom as she sits beside me on our old window sill.

“My child, love is not something that someone can teach to you. It is you who can learn about it, and it is you who can feel it. I’m sorry, but life and love is like that. The moment you feel love, it is also the moment you will learn how to let go. By any means, loving is also letting go. Your heart will heal the moment you let her go, just what I did when God took your father away from me. I love him so much, but we have to accept truth and have to let go”. My mom replied to me as she watched me looking at the same sky we used to stare.

I love her still, looking at her from far away. She’s now happy as what I can see in her eyes. Today, I am happy too since for the first time my wish came true. Want to know what did I wish for her? I wished her to be happy all her life through.

Love is wishing. And life is moving on.

I was so shocked this morning knowing that the person who invented the famous "sisig" is already dead. I would not be so damned concerned about her if she just died by normal death, but the sad thing is she was killed by a hammer by someone who until now, police doesn't have any hint about the killer identity.

Lucita Cunanan, a.k.a "Aling Lucing", a native of Pampanga was found dead on her own home due to massive head injuries caused by a hammer. Mysteriously, police haven’t found any trace of force entry to her home and that the helper did not even hear any struggling or something hideous going on inside of their house. Aling Lucing lived together with her husband, who went out at 4:30 am to buy food, and their helper. When her husband came back, he saw his wife already dead of hammering. News also indicated that the necklace Aling Lucing always wore is missing. Somehow, the motive of the killer is not only by killing her but also to steal if my presumptions are correct. But it is also quite amazing that the crime was done just after the husband was out, that leads me to conclusion that the killer was no other person to them. Plus the fact that, the helper was left unharmed.

Sisig has always been a part of the menu for some Filipinos. May it be in parties or just simply drinking sessions, there will always be a sisig on the table. I myself admitted that I am so hooked up to that sisig. DOT (Department of Tourism) already featured the cuisine of Aling Lucita on their website to attract travelers coming to Pampanga. (See here). Aling Lucita first introduced the dish during 1970’s having pig cheek, pork liver and intestines with pepper for the spice as one of her main ingredients.

Amidst the tragic end of Aling Lucita, Pinoys will always be thankful for the dish she imparted. A truly remarkable lady who did not only put her name on the history but also put fame on Pampanga. May you found peace and justice on your final destination. Although I may not know you or meet you personally, But I thank you for the sisig.

Read the full story on this link.