Finding Ever After
Once I was a boy. Innocent. Carefree. And this is when my story begins.
I've met someone who taught me some lessons in life. But I never knew, those lessons will scar my heart forever.
We moved out to another home. Dad decided it, and I cant have reasons why should I still stay on our old house. It's sad leaving, specially leaving my friends. I would love to stay, but still....I cannot.
On our new home, I've met Joanne. My new neighbor and playmate. Im 7 and shes 6 years old then when I met her. We became best of friends in the village, and the Mango tree where we used to play is the witness for all the times we were together. I carved my name and also her name on the tree, promising that I will always be his prince and she's my princess.
4 years passed, still we became best of freinds. Im always at their house 24 hours a day 7 days a week doing nothing. I would just stare at her while she review her notes, hearing every breath from her lungs and watching her hair fall down. God knows, I love her. I know were still young, but I also know that this is love that im hiding. And it sometimes hurt me, being silent.
I choose to be silent. We can still do the things we used to do without having a fear of rejection once she will know the real feelings I have for her. My mind told me that shes my best freind, but my heart says I love her more than that. I hurt myself being such a jerk, loving someone in secrecy. But what can I do? I'm afraid to loose her. And I still hide my foolishness until we stepped high school. I am a total mess.
Our time became lesser and lesser each day because of our schedule. But that doesnt stopped me from seeing or talking to her. I would sometimes write to her sweet nothing and leave the letters under the Mango tree so that she will know hows my day gone, what I did and anything I can share to her. Theres no cellphone or Email that time. Shes my living diary. And she also wrote letters to me telling me how her day in school was, what she ate during lunch and how much she missed my company. I wanted to write that it even kills me slowly missing her from day to day. But I cannot. I need to hide this shit or all will be fucked up.
I am happy seeing her happy being with me....but as a freind. I would sometimes take her out of their house and bring her in the garden of my grandparents at night. I would lie on the bermuda grass beside her and watch the stars spark on us. The stars knew how much I need her, that i hope time freeze forever being what we are today, that I wished..........I can tell her I love her.
Time flew so fast. Things have changed but our freindship grew splendid. Her mom dont want her to go out anymore and told that she should study more. But thats not a problem for me. I always go to their house at night and pretend that I need Joanne to help me with my assigments. But actually, I did nothing but to stare at her secretly. ...This is not right. I told myself. Will I tell her? But I am afraid.
I lie on my bed, thinking. Pain's too much for me to bear, and I cant take it anymore. I love her, I know it real. I will tell her, even if it means loosing her......
To be continued........
This Is Not Me
I drowned myself to the spirit of liqours last night. I danced with bacchus running away from what so called reality. This is not me, I told myself as I smiled with the people around me. I asked myself, why I am here? Do they even know me? I have fucked myself all over again from these places, and I love it........just for now.
I am living in the world where you need to put those game faces everytime you need to peek into daily living. Masks worn out, but still they offered the best lies a man could offer. Im like a peacock, designed with those flambouyant colors, but then the peacock and a chicken seems dont have a difference when you stripped down those feathers. Damn yeah, Im the greatest player for this life.....im the greatest fool.
I dont know myself. I just dont know who I am and who I need to be. Can you hear me?
Ive got two sides. But none of them will work for me.
I smilled again to the people sorrounding me. The prettiest smile a boy could ever give. But behind those smiles were my evil grin comsuming me. This is not me. I told myself. This is not me..
Sometimes I need to hate the world. Shes unfair. Shes evil. Shes full of angst, all bestowed on me. I need to find myself. I need to find comfort, not from the other people but to the self Im longing for. Where can I find me?
The show ended leaving myself solitary in these empty cold borders. I lie on my bed, thinking that by the sun comes up this morning, I will see a million mask buzzing around me. And Im one of them.
Sleep embraced me. Taking me to the place where I can be myself. Fully. Unbound.Free. But just for the moment.
Tonight, Ill ask myself again.............this is not me.
