This is A story of a Boy

Goosebumps galore

2010-05-02T04:07:00.000-07:00

Pinoys are deemed a country of very talented people God ever created. From Charice Pempengco and Arnel Pineda, now here comes Jovit Baldivino of Pipilinas Got Talent.
Here's a clip of his performance during the semi-finals.

Be a fan here!

Tonic - If You Could Only See

2010-05-01T06:58:00.000-07:00

This song keeps on playing in my mind...

My current favorite: Ash Stymest

2010-03-13T23:18:00.000-08:00

Thinking of getting another tat.

It must be the sea

2009-10-23T18:33:00.000-07:00

There is really something in me that sync with the sea. If for the instance that I never knew my true parents are, I would really think that Poseidon puked me out fresh from the salty water. During the conception of my mother to prepare me in coming out in this weird world, I was never associated with water or any liquid at all. But it is really interesting where I got this love of sea when in fact both my mom and dad never ever talked about if some time in their entire lives, they love the waters. Drinking water excluded of course.

When I was young and full of decaying tooth, Mr. Jerry, my father decided to bring home an aquarium made of leftover glass from a friend. The glass is so thick that sometimes you will need to use your third eye just to see through the glass even if we just cleaned it days ago. Nevertheless, the new found obsession from paps was a breath of fresh air compared to our pets: lassie the dog and Sharon the cat.

Mr. Jerry also bought a couple of fish to compliment with the little world he created on those four glass walls. You know, people have a weird tendency to name those speechless animals like a real human. He bought 4 of those gold fishes and a janitor fish, which names I already forgotten long ago. I used to stay beside the aquarium watching them doing their own businesses while wondering how on this world that God created organisms so much different from one another. And on some occasion, I would wish to be like them; no not the janitor fish that is so lazy and only spend the day eating moss and dirt, but those gold fish that are swimming carelessly. They tend not to care with the world, the only obligation they have in mind is to catch algae, plankton or whatever they can stuff on their mouth to eat. I realized, those fishes will enjoy more if they are on their natural habitats. And that is the sea.

That might be the reason why even at the young age I already fell in love with the water. From then on, I love myself being called hydrophilic. I love the sound of it. Its makes me smile, and it always makes me remember my love for the sea.

I can live without seeing any buildings for a month, but you cannot let me live for a year without letting me have a glimpse of the sea. They are the extension of my soul and the fortress of my solemnity. My sweetest escape from the harsh reality of urban living.

Credits to: toma_album

Separate ways

2009-09-13T20:42:00.000-07:00

One major drawback in getting used to something is the difficulty of letting go of it in the end. The more you spend time into something, the more pain you have to gain when in time it will ask you not to hold on to it anymore. I always despite letting go, just in time when all the memories you have with that something/someone are purely bliss. And at one blink of an eye, you’re starting to move on and learning that you can’t have them permanently. Just heartrending.

Sad news broke the laughter on the floor last week. The management finally decided to let go of the employees they deemed not beneficiary to the account anymore. As a usual reaction to such input, I was first shocked and as the days goes by, I became so depress I wouldn’t want to come to the office anymore. I would ask my boss if I could only render half-day at the office and go home instead Sadly, she would not let me.

It would have been 3 years already of having the same people in the team if this decision did not push through. You know, they are the same people I sit with during trainings, had fun conversation while on lunch and the very same faces I am with during drinking sprees. But I guess life has its own momentum of saying goodbye. And as for us, it is now.

I just want you to know guys (even if you don’t know I’m blogging), it was always been a pleasure to work with some wacky employees. You are all the perfect representation of fun at work. I will always remember you guys, God bless us all to our own separate endeavors. See you all at the cross road.

Day Dreaming

2009-08-15T01:37:00.000-07:00

When I get old, I wish to put my home near the shore with my porch facing the beach.I will sit on my chair every morning with my coffee beside me as I watch the waves gently touching the sand as if they miss each other all the time. The hopeful rays of the sun will welcome me as I feel them caressing my face with love, my heart will gently smile with the nature all around me acting in accordance to its beauty. I wish to be on that time already, while I currently stare at my computer doing my job as an agent.

Daydreaming has been my past time every time God will pity me and give me minutes of avail while waiting for another call from the people who does not even know where the power button of their device is. Sometimes, it customers are kind enough, they will take advantage of you and make you a talking manual like they doesn't even care if you are running out of saliva or not. I wish tech gadgets now a day has a warning sign at the box to inform idiots not to use them if their IQ's are below sea level.

I'm tired thinking of my future, especially now that almost what I have planned before was never achieved nor near the desired results. I always fail whenever achievements or status in life is the subject. One time during my shift, I talked to a very angry customer. He is so angry that if only I'm near to him, he might have chopped my head off without even giving me a chance to speak my opening spiel. That's so rude you know. And me, being the tried and tested irate agent of all times, wonder why I did not fight back.

He became calmed and open during rest of the call to me. Why? The reason is this. Sometimes, you don't need to be angry to fight back another angry soul. It will just heat up the conversation and eventually will end up both exhausted and toxic. There is one saying which I really do sorry about not pasting the author at the back of my mind that goes like this, "kill them with kindness". It works, but will not all the time. There are some instances that they will take advantage of this tactic.

Anyway, he asked me about my age and where I am located. We talked about his retirement and his plans after that. He told me that he wants to go to Australia, and the first thing that came into my mind is the Kangaroos. Sounds silly, but I guess it's a boring stuff to do watching the kangaroos jumping while seeing the babies pop out of their pouches. There we are, while waiting for the device to finally work out, two men on opposite poles and ages, talking about life to its fullest. He told me stories about the river, his family, the president and all the things in America which until now, I find it impossible if ever I can step into that land.

At the end of the talk, I was surprised that he gave me a farewell message. It was too special for me, thinking that he crafted those words to form a sentence and give it to me as a present. He imparted that, I am still young for the age of 24. There are so many things, opportunities and adventures that might come along the way.Just be patient, and enjoy each day because we can never turn back what were happened on that day. He told me that, sooner or later I can travel the world just like him. Not only Australia but the rest of the world.

I ended the call with a pleasant smile, though unseen but still obvious on my words and tone. Silently, I told myself..someday...someday.

Hugo

2009-07-16T03:56:00.002-07:00

I always make sure that I pamper myself from time to time whenever I have the resources. Last month was my birthday but too bad I did not have enough money to throw a party with my friends. I still have my bros and sisters who are in college that I need to cater, so I decided not to have a party anymore.

However, there are so many things I am thankful of even if the birthday boy doesn’t have any party at all. My friend Tony visited me and flew directly from Boracay all the way to Cebu just to cheer me up on my big day. He also gave me a Globe Tatoo mobile broadband as a gift which I am currently using for blogging. Thanks, thanks so much for this.

Also, as a gift to myself, I bought my first luxury fragrance which I don’t usually do. This is a complete box set of perfume from Hugo boss XY. The package comes with a shower gel and an after shave which I really really love to wear during dates and parties. He he he. The smell is even good when blended by sweat. Or is it just me? Im a long fan of Coolwater but I guess I made a right decision by shifting to Hugo for the meantime. Dont get me wrong, I still love coolwater.

I also bought myself a grey v-neck shirt from Refill. I don’t know why, maybe its because Hugo boss XY also comes with grey packaging? I love those embroidered logos on it. Sort of medals attached on it, just so good for a good boy like me. Ha ha ha. So what do you think? Simple eh?

Liquid Caffeine

2009-05-20T13:16:00.000-07:00

Training officially started last monday for my new account. Not that I really love my old account, but I can't really help to differentiate between my old and new job. New people to meet and a same old brand new environment to adapt. The new account is very nosebleeding and a lot of processed to memorize.

Since the shift is already at night, I have been dealing hardly with sleepiness all the time. For the past three years here in the company, my duty is in the mid morning but had enough time to go on party at night. Now that the shift is new, then I guess I just need to accept the fact that I'm starting to live a no life already.

Great part of our body is composed of liquid. Mine? It's not really that amazing if caffeine has been my blood eversince I worked in a call center industry. For most of us here working, coffee and carbonated drinks have been our favorite drugs to keep us alive and awake.

I'm not really a coffe drinker until such time that you should drink it because you need it not because you just want it. I always tell my mom to stop drinking coffe since I read a lot of references and most of the time read about the bad connotation of drinking coffee. But my Mom would only reply, "I feel weak when I can't drink one".

Sun comes up just a few minutes. Maybe I should sleep now.

Marcus and delilah

2009-05-10T01:31:00.000-07:00

Im tired and I feel like crying. I've got lots of mixed emotions right now and I really want to puke them out of my system. Never been this sober enough, enough to feel that I am starting to feel pain. And that mean that I am still alive. Capable of hurt and bliss.

I've been drinking a lot these past few days with no apparent reasons at all. The blood that is pumping all over my body is already composed of alcohol which somehow let me escaped from the moment of torment, our at least prolonging the agony.

My life is stirring not into the proper direction but in the avenue that I never should be in the first place. I put on my mask, a beautiful mask enough to be flamboyant in this game of masquerade, which in the end I won. But in the end of the party, it is me who feels empty, drained, lonely and used.

I really feel sorry for myself now. I screwed everything and even blew up all the people around me. I really don’t know myself, as what my best friend told me before. Nothing is right for me right now, and I am asking myself if all of these were really meant to happen.

Why can’t we just love someone and stay like that forever? Why do we feel change of hearts from time to time? Why can’t someone I love can never love me in return? Why do I keep on hurting the people who love me as if I never cared for their feelings? Why do I hate myself of having this life?

I want to drink again tonight. Drown myself in the abyss of darkness where all I can feel is me. Myself and its emptiness, I want to feel my cold heart pumping. Be sorry for all the people I hurt.

I’m wishing that somewhere along my silence, there will be someone who can tell me, “Come out. Its over”.

Ingrata

2009-05-07T02:16:00.000-07:00

I wanna shout to the world how b*tchy this life can be soetimes. On how lousy the people around me and how sick their lives that it made me puke.I have been too nice up to now, and I think it must be time to show how ass kicker I am.

I ran out of money, I don't know why but I am not really a pro when it comes to budgeting. My mom is, and actually a tyrant if we are talking about money and I did not even got .01 percent of her personality. I guess overspending always comes with the happy go lucky persona that I have.

I asked my used to be "best friend" via yahoo chat if he can lend me a thousand bucks to pay my long overdue credit to my office mate. I was hoping for some death threats already from her since I am already two months delayed and she might be thinking I'm running away from her. Thank goodness that never happened cos I might be in the street now covered with a bandera news paper drowned in blood.

OK. That's gore and way beyond imagining.

What pissed me off is that he told me he has the money but cannot do so since he is busy in the office. Will it hurt to go out and deposit the money for less than half an hour? I even laid all the options how he can send me the money, but still refused for the love of his office and choose to let his friend suffer. I think it must be the new definition of friendship now from my dear ol' webster. Would it be easier and less hurtful if he'd only slapped me in the face with the word NO?

I even pleaded I can wait till Sunday, and I guess he already has an ample time by the weekend for my request. But again, I received a negative reply.

Sometimes, we should learn to say no to something if we really intend to say no. Come on, whats the use of fabricating your answer when all of it will end up to refusal? I guess it is also a wake up call that, in due time you will know who your true friends are, when one of you has fallen. Some of them will turn their back on you, but their will always be someone who doesn't mind to fall too, just to see you get back on your two feet again.

Now I know.

Change

2009-04-21T05:36:00.000-07:00

I am really wondering how ordinary people can be sometimes so influential to us. I have been asking myself most of the time if it is luck that brought them on their pedestal or just merely their will and sacrifices for other people to notice them.

We can see a lot of stories of people that became heroes in their own ways mostly in magazines or in televisions. One common factor from most of them is their humble beginning which did not fail to amaze me. How?

I have lots of personal favorites of set of people that influenced me. There's Princess Diana, Luther King, Gandhi and Mother Theresa of India. They are only a few people out of hundred that influenced most of us and shaped humanity and strive to make the world a better place to live in. For me, they are the emblem of beauty, knowledge, faith, love and peace.

Another person who is starting to influence me a lot is the current President of the USA. President Barrack Obama who is the first black American president in the history of the state. His story is a living example that someday, change is there in a least unexpected way even if some of us thinks it is impossible to happen. He gave us hope that all of the people should be equal and should have the rights as what is written in law and in the Bible.

There are still more things we are expecting to happen in this world. By whatever it means, I hope it is a positive change. All we need is change.

Slow Dance

2009-04-06T06:43:00.000-07:00

I got this poem from Ricardo F. Lo (Philstar News Service, www.philstar.com) who posted this poem in Yahoo Philippines. The poem is so good, I even wondered If I have done those things. The poem was made by a boy dying in cancer in New York.

Slow Dance

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down,

Don’t dance too fast.

Time is short,

The music won’t last.

Do you run through each day

Or do you fly?

When you ask, “How are you?”

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You’d better slow down,

Don’t dance too fast.

Time is short,

The music won’t last.

Ever told your child,

“We’ll do it tomorrow?”

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch

Let a good friendship die

‘Cause you never had time

To call and say, “Hi?”

You’d better show down,

Don’t dance too fast.

Time is short,

The music won’t last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through

your day,

It is like an unopened gift...

Thrown away.

Life is not a race,

Do take it slower.

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

Sicko

2009-04-06T05:17:00.000-07:00

I am sick. This very hot weather and the air condition in the office makes my lungs weak. This just started yesterday when I woke up having a very bad head. Feels like tens of workers are drilling my head. I don't like the feeling of having flu this summer. I hate it, plus the fact that I need to go to the office still. Feels like a suicide to me.

Good thing is that I already joined my friends for summer outing just last week before this flu attacked me. I can't afford to say at home with the thermometer at my mouth while those bitches are enjoying the sea and pool. It's really unfair when I have been a very good boy all this month.

What's so devastating today is there's no nurse nor available meds at the office. Where the hell are they? Imagine, I need to buy remedies for my nose out of my pocket because there's no nurse on duty and the guard on duty don't know where the meds are. What I really want to express here is that there should always be a nurse on duty even if it's holiday. What if some of the workers here got accident and needs some first aid? Who will we call? Saints?

Geh, I feel my head pulsating. Need to sleep early now. Oh oh oh! Wait, I wanted to join a summer dance workshop this summer. Anybody here who knows some information about that here in Cebu?

Notes: Thanks tistelblomst of photobucket for the pix

Decisions

2009-04-03T23:36:00.000-07:00

Why is is that sometimes we need to decide on things even if there are no choices available for us to choose? Why is it that sometimes, we need to do decisions against our will and in the end, face regrets for the outcome of it?

Decisions have been part of our lives since the day we decided to tell our parents we can do things we wanted to do. To tie or shoelaces, to eat Gerber or not or to go to school alone.Decisions on when to let go or when to hold on.

Growing up means taking responsibilities to one self and acting on decisions we are planning to make. We no longer rely on things or reasons from other people, and sometimes the things that we choose are not the result of what we are wishing for. Not all decisions are bound for success, but most of the time, learning comes after our decisions got failed.

My teacher in elementary always tell us to grow up and be mature in everything that we do. That of course include the responsibility of owning up decisions and facing them with dignity. But what did our teacher fail to tell us is that mistakes were part of our lives and it is OK to commit mistakes as long as we are learning out of it.

I don't know. There are things I wanted them to go back and relationships I want to rekindle. But some things should be left as what they are now. I have made my decision and there's no turning back. I have no regrets, but only lessons from the past that I will carry on for the future.

Hello and Goodbye

2009-03-24T04:42:00.000-07:00

I just ended a three year long relationship with my girlfriend last night. I just don't want to pretend I'm OK for too long when in fact I am not happy anymore. It's kinda sad for me to do it. but I don't have a choice. It will be us who will suffer someday knowing that I'm running out of love and just keeping it in the silence. I don't want regrets, I don't want "if's" in the future, and I don't wanna lie to someone.

I really appreciate the effort that my girlfriend exerted towards the relationship just to make it work. I know I can never find a girl like her that loves me so much. She loves for who I am, for what she sees in her eyes and for accepting me as a man and the imperfections in me.

I don't know why but I think I am not really ready yet to commit my self wholly to someone as of this moment. I have so many plans in my life that I need to achieve yet and somehow, sadly to say, I prefer to be single now. I love the freedom that I am giving to myself and the guilt free things that I am doing without thinking that someone is hurting because of what I am doing.

I have learned to let her go from the moment I told her the word goodbye. I am hoping she can also do that. I don't want her to be sad and I don't want her to cry for me because this relationship is not wasted. I am still happy to be her friend. I am still hoping we can find happiness amidst finding our own comfort niche in this world.

I'm letting her go.

Georgy Porgy

2009-03-03T21:27:00.001-08:00

My office mates knows me well by how i dress up myself. Sometimes, people will judge you on how you look physically and how you carry yourself in the public. That's why I really make sure everyday that I don't look bad when I step out of my door.

I have lots of clothes in my closet. I am a self confessed clothes addict back then. Dressing up myself is one way of expressing myself to the public that's why I always buy clothes if I have time every payday to add to my collection.

I received an email about this new guy called George McCracken. And boy! I just love his creations. they are something you want to wear everyday.

Damn. Would love to get that look! Nao.

The Last Lecture

2009-02-14T04:13:00.000-08:00

I was inspired by the book of Randy Pausch entitled “The Last Lecture” to write my own, let’s say small speech to the imaginary public. Though I haven’t read the book yet, there are lots of excerpt taken from the book in various websites for reference. The book somehow tells us about his famous speech while battling cancer and expecting his days to end soon because of his illness.

Once in a blue moon lang ako nag popost ng serious posts. So I might give it a shot ngayun. Maganda kasi ang idea. So here I go….

Once in my life, I became a teacher, a tutor and a mentor to souls I never had direct relations with. People or I might say students that imparted a small amount of their lives, entrusting them to me for a short period of time. But that shortness of time can never equal the amount of memories that I will carry through my days as I meet new people to play and be part in my circle of life.

I was never a perfect teacher for my students nor a perfect son for my dad. I live my life thinking if what would Ill be now if my dad only stayed longer to see his son grow up. Maybe a doctor? A priest? A policeman? Or just a simple boy living in a happy home. But mom, as always been the positive energy giver in our home told me that everything has its own reasons why it happened. Sooner or later, even though how bad that thing is, time will soon place all things into its proper places in its own proper time. Then that’s the time I will understand how the hand of God works.

It was never easy to grow up knowing that a part of you is totally missing forever. It’s like having a home with no roof at all. Up until now, I never attended a family day at school since my father passed away. But I never felt bitterness in my life because I never given a chance to experience proudly introducing my dad to my classmates and tell them how cool my dad is. Not bitterness, but I guess its being envy that is slowly killing my heart. But I never let it got into me, I faced my life with no regrets and be happy for what I have and what I don’t have. That’s what my life is. Acceptance.

The feeling of loneliness never stopped me in doing what I need to do. Life must go on, and I need to move on. I never let myself stopped for a moment and let it stagnant because I know it is myself that I’ll be hurting in the end. I still remember that after dad bid his last breath, it was only once I wasted my tears for that young goodbye and untimely death. From the moment I burst into painful tears, I told myself that it is not a cry of grieving but more of a cry of winning the remaining fights in my life.

How will you feel standing at the stage, receiving your medal and awards with no parents beside you unlike the rest of recipients standing with you at the center, showing their smiles as camera flashes to immortalize the moment? I wished I was never there.

I never thought of being a rebel to my mom since I know she also has her work to be done. I keep on feeding my conscience that it is selfish to demand something to my mom just because I don’t want people to feel that I’m lacking a part of myself. That I want them to know I’m perfectly fine and happy amidst those medals and certificates that I have been receiving each year. Never in my whole life had I told my mom about this. And I guess she will never will. Life is too short to dwell and focus on life shortcomings. But nevertheless, I know mom is proud of his boy. Even though she never saw me walking up in that stage.

I always tell to my students that there is more to learn in life than learning life thru a book. I don’t know, but for me the best teacher would be the experience it self. You will never know how the apple really tastes by just reading how people describe it. You need to taste it by yourself savoring its sweetness inch by inch. How will you know love if you are only reading how Romeo loved Juliet? How will you know the pain of failing? Only by failing itself.

Truly, what really I am today is the product of what I am in the past. Though dad was never there to teach me how to tie my shoe, he never saw me celebrating my youth, how I attended my first ever prom, and how his son became popular at school still the reason why I am here, to the place I ever wanted to be is because of him. It was never because of me why I triumphed in my life, but because of the will my dad told me before he finally climbed to his deathbed. I need to finish school, no matter what since that is the only treasure he can give to me. And gladly I did.

Then how being a teacher and life related to each other? It is because life is our teacher, and we, being the learners should be also the teachers to others sharing the knowledge of what life has given us. I was never been a perfect teacher I told myself here for a second time. But the tears, hugs and smiles from my students when I left them is enough to tell them that I have embarked small lessons in life in them. That I was an effective mentor to them as well as how they teach me that youth is not something you can measure by age, but on how you view yourself.

Before I end this post, I would like to share a reflection that I have read this morning from my book:

There is rawness and a wonder to life. Pursue it. Hunt for it. Sell out to get it. Don’t listen to the whines of those who have settled for a second rate life and want you to do the same so they won’t feel guilty. Your goal is not to live long; it’s to live.

Jesus says the options are clear. On one side there is the voice of safety. You can build a fire in the hearth, stay inside, and stay warm and dry safe.

Or you can hear the voice of adventure,- God’s adventure. Instead of building a fire in your hearth, build a fire in your heart. Follow God’s impulses. Adopt the child. Move overseas. Teach the class. Change careers. Run for office. Make a difference. Sure it isn’t safe, but what it is?

-He still moves stone

Tristan And Isolde

2009-01-02T00:23:00.000-08:00

I really don't know but there is a hopeless romantic guy just sleeping within me. People might never noticed it, since I really not into actions, including my Princess. I really find it too mushy for that stuffs that is why I never have the guts to show it too much through my actions. But indeed, I am a self proclaimed hopeless romeo.

Last night, I decided to buy a DVD for myself instead of going out to have some booze with my friends. Its new year and I don't want to start the year being wasted. So i tried to be a good boy and locked myself in my room the whole night with the help of the DVD's that I bought.

I am bit choosy when it comes to buying things, most especially DVD's since it is not only for killing time but for my collection as well. After an hour of choosing and scanning the DVDs that are lined up in a cool organized way, I decided to buy two of it: Tristan and Isolde and Monster Inc.

Well, honestly I have tried to watch Tristan and Isolde before when I was still in my dear hometown way back circa 2006, but unfortunately due to a bad copy since it is pirated, I ended up frustrated by not finishing the movie since it is acting crazy. Imagine the movie jumping from one scene to another, freezing up for minutes and the going back to step one. Result: phucking cd!

I never thought the movie can be more beautiful than Romeo and Juliet, which I didn't find soo good so I end up ejecting it out from the player during the first part. It moved me, though you might say to my face that it is another tragic love story. And it opened my eyes to view the different side of being in love.

There's a scene in the movie that breaks my heart after hearing it. It was when Isolde wed King Marke and after the ceremony, Isolde passed Tristan and said these words:

Isolde: If things were different, if we lived in a place without duty, would you be with me?
Tristan: That place does not exist.
Isolde: [sobs] I'll pretend it's you.

Rejection is part of our lives, and whether we like it or not, it hurts us a lot. What can hurt as more is when the one who promised us beautiful things is the one who will reject us in the end. Life's been like that before my Princess came into my life. And I have learned a lot from it.

There are things more than life. Not death, but love. Love is a powerful thing than can change our lives from just a moment of savoring it.Love creates no boundaries, it always looks beyond on what seemed to be limited with our own eyes. Love is a process of owning someone, but also having the courage to let them go in the end.

We cant have all forever, all good things must come to an end. When that time comes we all must be ready to let go. Letting go is painful, but it is always the consequence of loving someone. I may never know how long I can have my Princess, but one thing for sure, I will love her till my last breath.

Too bad, the ending is tragic.

Indeed, before Romeo and Juliet, there's Tristan and Isolde.

Jingle Bells

2008-12-28T21:55:00.000-08:00

I spent my xmas inside the four walls of my room together with the one I love. Both alone, holding each other waiting for nothing. That time was the most wonderful time in my life when all I'm wishing is to stop the time and freeze it permanently.

The only sound that we can hear is the choir from a nearby church singing its praises as the time when Christ was born approaches. I can hear angels singing making my soul rest with my own beautiful angel sleeping quietly beside me. I'm lost in her embrace, and I don't wanna go back again to reality if all of this is unreal.

Being with her finally seems eternity. The cold air that enters the room from the opposite veranda door where we lay added a yuletide flavor for our serene environment. I stroked her hair as if I'm playing a harp, slowly feeling each of her strands, watching the movement that my fingers made.

Damn, I'm so in love with this angel...

CoffeBean

2008-12-13T04:42:00.000-08:00

I never felt so bored all my life. I feel like Ive been dwelling on this same stagnant place since then. A cup of coffee, pen and paper and a pack of cigarette have been occupying my choco colored table the whole time I seated on this fashionable knitted chair.

The more I stay here, the deeper I know myself. But there's more than a cup of coffee that I have been searching for. Though I have been living with contentment all my life with these simple things I have on my table, still there's emptiness...

That has been sitting beside me...all my life.

Untiring Love

2008-12-04T02:23:00.000-08:00

My boss sent me this thru email. I just want to share this, so I re posted it. Happy reading.

(This is a true story that happened in Japan)

In order to renovate the house, someone in Japan tears open the wall.
Japanese houses normally have a hollow space between wooden walls.
When tearing down the walls, he found that there was a lizard stuck there
because a nail from outside hammered into one of its feet.

He sees this, feels pity and at the same time curious, as when he checked the nail,
it was nailed 10years ago when the house was first built. What happened?

The lizard survived in such position for 10years in a dark wall partition for 10years without even moving.
It is impossible and mind-boggling.
Then he wondered how this lizard survived for 10years without moving a single step since its foot was nailed.

So he stopped his work and observed the lizard. what is has been doing, and what and how it has been eating.
Later, not knowing from where it came, appears another lizard, with food in its mouth.
Ahh! He was stunned and touched deeply.
For the lizard that was stuck by nail, another lizard has been feeding it for the past 10years.

Such love, such a beautiful love! Such love happened even with this tiny creature.
What can love do? It can do wonders! Love can do miracles!

Imagine what it has been doing that lizard untiringly for 10years, without giving up hope on its partner.
Imagine what a small creature can do, that a creature blessed with a brilliant mind can't.
I was touched when I heard this story and started wondering about relationships between family members, friends, lovers, brothers and sisters.

As information and communication technology advances, our access to information becomes faster and faster that we can ever imagine.
But the distance between human being... is it getting closer as well?

I am convinced that the lesson of this all, is never to abandon our love ones.
As the saying goes, " One will never appreciate and understand the value of another until he is gone."

Freedom

2008-07-09T12:52:00.000-07:00

Not all humans have the gift of freedom. Freedom to speak themselves, freedom to wear what they want, and the freedom to love who they want. Like a bird, I wanted to be free. Free from bondage and has the power to fly.

But I guess, it will be only in my dreams.

The wishing star for a broken heart

2008-04-25T01:16:00.000-07:00

When I was a little kid, my mom told me the power of wishing. We would sit together beside our window at night and wait for a shooting star to fall from the dark blue sky. She told me that once I saw a falling star, I will then make a wish and that wish will come true. Being a child at heart, I still believed in it after 18 years after growing up in a old fashioned way. I would stare blankly in the sky at night, waiting for that lucky star in the sky to fall down, wishing of something to end. I hold my hands tight and put them near my heart, feeling every beat of it and grasping every single hope instilled on it.

Wishing also gives us the feeling that there is still hope beyond loneliness out there. My mom only taught me the power of wishing, but she never told me that life could be cruel sometimes. And love is the most sublime thing a man could ever felt, but it is also the painful feeling a boy wouldn’t even wished for. She just let me go out into the world, and the rest is up for me to learn. I understand why she did it, because she, even herself cannot describe love on her own meaning. Love depends on the person who feels it. Day by day, I gently realized how painful it is to wish for someone you knew that can never be yours. However, I still believed deep in my heart that there is still hope for my wishing heart.

I met someone who made me fall head over heels. She was all I could ever need and the best gift a falling star could ever give me. My heart burns every time we talk to each other one summer breeze and my heart grew fonder all seasons. But the angel that I thought would care for my heart is the angel who chooses to break my heart. I wished she could love me the way I loved her, but she also wishes for someone to love…more than the love I am giving her. We are both hopeless wishers looking up on that starless sky, but she didn’t know that when she wishes, my heart bleeds. Not for my failed hopes, but for the reason that my love is not enough for her.

One day her wishes came true. The stars gave her the missing puzzle of her heart, so perfectly fitted for her, while I am still there sitting on a bench, waiting for my wishes to come true. I held my hands so tight, put them near my heart and wished for something new. As I ended my wish, tears fell down my cheeks, still feeling my heart beat with my clasped hands. I wished I can let her go, and I wished I never loved her for the pain is killing me.

“Mom, I have loved someone, but she chooses to break my heart. You only taught me about wishing and about hope. But you never taught me about love and letting go”. I asked mom as she sits beside me on our old window sill.

“My child, love is not something that someone can teach to you. It is you who can learn about it, and it is you who can feel it. I’m sorry, but life and love is like that. The moment you feel love, it is also the moment you will learn how to let go. By any means, loving is also letting go. Your heart will heal the moment you let her go, just what I did when God took your father away from me. I love him so much, but we have to accept truth and have to let go”. My mom replied to me as she watched me looking at the same sky we used to stare.

I love her still, looking at her from far away. She’s now happy as what I can see in her eyes. Today, I am happy too since for the first time my wish came true. Want to know what did I wish for her? I wished her to be happy all her life through.

Love is wishing. And life is moving on.

GoodBye Sisig Queen

2008-04-23T00:50:00.000-07:00

I was so shocked this morning knowing that the person who invented the famous "sisig" is already dead. I would not be so damned concerned about her if she just died by normal death, but the sad thing is she was killed by a hammer by someone who until now, police doesn't have any hint about the killer identity.

Lucita Cunanan, a.k.a "Aling Lucing", a native of Pampanga was found dead on her own home due to massive head injuries caused by a hammer. Mysteriously, police haven’t found any trace of force entry to her home and that the helper did not even hear any struggling or something hideous going on inside of their house. Aling Lucing lived together with her husband, who went out at 4:30 am to buy food, and their helper. When her husband came back, he saw his wife already dead of hammering. News also indicated that the necklace Aling Lucing always wore is missing. Somehow, the motive of the killer is not only by killing her but also to steal if my presumptions are correct. But it is also quite amazing that the crime was done just after the husband was out, that leads me to conclusion that the killer was no other person to them. Plus the fact that, the helper was left unharmed.

Sisig has always been a part of the menu for some Filipinos. May it be in parties or just simply drinking sessions, there will always be a sisig on the table. I myself admitted that I am so hooked up to that sisig. DOT (Department of Tourism) already featured the cuisine of Aling Lucita on their website to attract travelers coming to Pampanga. (See here). Aling Lucita first introduced the dish during 1970’s having pig cheek, pork liver and intestines with pepper for the spice as one of her main ingredients.

Amidst the tragic end of Aling Lucita, Pinoys will always be thankful for the dish she imparted. A truly remarkable lady who did not only put her name on the history but also put fame on Pampanga. May you found peace and justice on your final destination. Although I may not know you or meet you personally, But I thank you for the sisig.

Read the full story on this link.

Boy Meets World

2008-04-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

Many people perceive that working in a call center is easy. But less that they know, working as a call center agent requires a lot of sacrifices. Before I landed in our company, I thought that working in a BPO company is the answer for poverty and it is the easiest way to earn money. I thought I was right, but now, I found myself wrong. If there is other option for me aside from working in a call center industry, then I would gladly step out myself from this office.

Working as an agent will not give you stability and happiness towards your status in life, and that is from my own experience after working for nearly 2 years in this industry already. If not only for my family, I will not force myself working my ass so hard here. I’ve got a brother and a sister who are both in college so I need to find a work that I can have the best compensation in town.
The number one problem for being a call center agent is the shifting. We need to base our working schedule in the USA so that means that we will be awake for the entire night just to serve Americans in morning (American time). Nothing compares having a regular and normal sleep than sleeping during day time. It’s so hard to adjust our body thinking that almost all of our growing years we have been spending the night sleeping then in just a matter of a snap we will be sleeping by day. If we need to talk about vampires, then we are the complete representation of them. Also, it is so hard to make sleep during day just thinking about global warming.

Since I started working here, I also missed out some important and special occasions in my life. Although I already know that working in a call center requires giving up social life, still I misses those times that my presence, and I mean physically can be seen on parties and gatherings. Imagine yourself working Christmas and New years Eves inside the office while others are so happy outside enjoying the festivities of life. Just typing this rant makes my heart so uber sad.
Gone are the days when work makes me excite each day. I already achieved my expiration point especially that I am working a monotonous work all day round. Same work, same old faces and same place that I seem to already memorize every single details of it. Worst is, I can’t even practice my own dialect here and only God knows how much I missed talking in my own tongue. I can’t even have some good vacation since all of the actions here are based on numbers. In short, I don’t have a life anymore.

I’m planning to resign from the office but there are certain things I need to consider. First is that my siblings need me because they already nearing completion in their college courses. If I take my ass out of here, then what will be the outcome of their education? Especially that it is so hard to find a job in this current time. Taking a deeper look in the situation, I am still luckily that I was accepted here as a call center agent. Passing the exams is not easy and to think that I will need to undergo the same boring interviews all over again just to land a good decent job. If someone will ask me if it is fun to be a call center agent, then I will definitely not recommend him or her working as one. While growing up and living each day meeting the demands in life, there are things that we should consider aside from earning big bucks. We should also think of stability and happiness on everything that we do. For now, ill just wait for my brother and sister to graduate, after that, I don’t care if I will work as a janitor, as long as I am happy with it.

The Taxi Ride

2008-04-21T10:38:00.000-07:00

I hurriedly prepared myself for work since I’ll be late if I don’t double up my pace once again for the nth time. This is my usual routine since I started living here in Urban Cebu, plus the fact that in almost 2 years of my stay here, I’ve only got myself to do all the chores and errands. That is already a hard task to do to those people who are still dependent with their parents and Yaya’s.
It was already 12:15 noon when I took a glance at my watch. My shift starts at 1:00 PM and I should take a cab instead of riding the Jeepney or else I’ll be in trouble. I am not used in taking a cab since it will be much practical riding in a Jeepney especially if you are a budget wise person. So there I am, waited for the cab to pass by outside the village under the scorching summer sun.

Once inside the cab, the driver asked me where I am going. I was a bit shocked after hearing his question, the tone! I happily told myself. I know that he is also from Iloilo from the way he expressed himself in Bisayan dialect. Anyone could distinguish a true blooded Cebuano from an Ilonngo thru his tone. I don’t know why but it makes me happy meeting somebody that is also came from my hometown Iloilo. Lets us say that after 2 years of staying here in Cebu, I already missed talking in my own dialect too. So I asked him if he’s an Ilonngo too, then he confidently answered me yes. He is also seemed to be happy knowing that he found another Ilonngo living here in Cebu. During the course of the travel, we enjoyably exchange ideas and questions, which somehow I’ve learned a lot out of them.

In the middle of the traffic, just to break the silence between us, he asked me a question. I am not the type of person who will first bring up an interesting topic for the conversation, so I was so silent for the whole time I was inside his cab.

“Why are you here in Cebu? You can still work in Iloilo without sacrificing the distance between you and your family?” He asked.

I should be asking him the same question, but given that he brought it up first, I am the one who will answer it. That question is much appropriate for him since he can also be a driver in Iloilo compared to me that I need to find a good paying company.

“I can’t find a good paying job there in Iloilo. I need to find a job that will not also let me survive but also to carry the expenses of my family; you know I am the bread winner of the family since my father died last 1998”. I sadly replied him hiding the fact that I totally missed my family. “About you? Why you are here?” I then asked him after looking again at my watch.

“My heart is in here. Although I grew up in Iloilo, it is much nicer here to stay. But my sons are there in Iloilo. I am living alone as a driver just to provide my sons a good education back home. But it is not easy to live alone; I bet you already know that”. He told me.

“But where is your wife?” I asked him while looking on the road we are driving.

“My wife is already dead too a long time ago, same as your father. I am a single father for my children and I did not search for someone to replace her. I missed my children so much, but I need to find money away from them. Got to sacrifice a lot just to see them stable on their own lives as long as I can offer something for them. But I am still keeping 500 Pesos each day for my self. You never know what will happen to our life, that’s why we need to be always prepared”. He was already teary eyed when he finished his sentence.

He is a father, and I am the son. There is something the same between us two, and that is we are both solely bread winners living and working far away from the family. He lost his wife and for my case, I have lost my father. I have seen his sacrifices in our short conversation, which somehow feel my worth much better. We are both hurt and scarred by our past, but continue to live amidst the trials that we are facing each day.

In life, the best lessons that we have to learn came from other people or strangers that we meet everyday. The driver taught me to be strong, not for myself but for my family. I know I am still young and there are lots of obstacles that I need to face on my journey thru life. But I am not living for myself, at least for now, but I am living to give my brothers and sister a better life. I am living to act as their father and as a helper to my Mom.

I arrived at the office on time. A one great conversation from a one great guy. Truly, a day to remember.

Across The Universe

2008-04-09T07:33:00.000-07:00

“Hey, Jude! Don't let her down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember, to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better. “

(Lennon-McCartney)

Is that song familiar to you? Guess so if you were born in times of the Beatles or might as well love their songs even if you were born just yesterday. I’m not that die-hard fan of the Beatles, but my dad keep on playing their music when he is still alive at home, I am still in my childhood years by that time, which I have learned to like and love later on.

Across the Universe, which starred by Evan Rachel Wood and Jim Sturgess whom directed by Julie Taymor, brings back the time when I had my dad. I was waiting for this movie a long time ago and was so excited to see it on the screen. Its just bring back some good old times on my childhood home. Also, I just had a glimpse of what our past looks like. Flowers, guns, graffiti, colors and music all rolled into one, which helps me a lot in bringing those nostalgic past.

I cried while singing some lines from the Beatles, not because of the story but how it reminds of my dad. Sadly to say, I still don’t want to let go of the fact that my father is dead. It’s been over 10 years, but still my dad and his memories hunt me. Who would let go for something so good, but yet too impossible to hold?

I was like Prudence, one character in the movie, a girl who doesn’t know where to go end up with the company of Lucy and Jude. She has the sweetest voice for me, which I really love after hearing her own rendition of “I want to hold your hand”.

I just really, really love the movie. I want to watch it all over again, singing those songs my father used to sing. I wanted my mom to see it, but I think it’s still far from now since I’m living miles from them. I wanted so bad to share this movie to her, which I know she can really relate.

All you need is love…

As the movie tells us, yes that’s all I need. That’s all I need to feel that my father still loves me even if he’s long been gone. That’s all we need to have peace here on earth.

I dont need fame and fortune

2008-02-23T10:45:00.000-08:00

In life, there are choices we have to make. Whether we should wake up in the morning or sleep again, go to work or be absent, or be alive or stop breathing. Life has been full of choices, and that is the reason why life is exciting since we don't know what's in store for us.

But what if God gave you a gift, and with that gift lies a series of choices. Let's say He wants us to choose between fame and fortune. What will you choose?

When we try to see ourselves deep down below our skin, there is something we really NEEDED that these two cant replace. But people are just too consumed sometimes of the earthly things this temporary world can offer. It is something no one can replace or even buy.

Everybody wants all of them. But sometimes we cant have them all, I am right? If only I can have both, then why not? I don't want to be in the limelight. I don't want to be famous since being famous means taking away your privacy. I don't want to have fortune, because there will come a time it will be gone. Besides, you cant take your jewelry box in heaven (I assumed?) or even in hell. I just want something while I'm here on earth. Something that will make me famous even without the lights and appearance, something that can make me the richest man in the world, and something I can be proud of when I face people.

If God will give me those two things to choose, then I don't want them. I don't want anything else. All I need is LOVE.

Contentment

2008-02-12T06:17:00.000-08:00

I sat inside the Jeepney, after a tiring day in the office. I am working in an international company, and I thank God for bringing me to this job. It was 10 in the evening when I logged out from our electronic time watcher, together with my co worker.

Let’s call her Samantha. I’ll try to describe her as much as adjectives can tell. She’s pretty, alluring, sexy and smart. When you got to know her, it seems that God already gave her all the gifts in life. And most of the people envy her. But never did they know, she still wants something, when in fact she already has it all. In short, she’s not the one who can easily be satisfied.

Inside the jeep, I carefully stare a girl, a teen I presume who is starting to live her life in adolescent stage. A stormy stage for teens and the most crucial one. She’s sitting adjacent to me and from Samantha. From the look of the girl, I can easily know that she came from a poor family. She’s with her mom, wearing something without those glitzy and glamorously dresses you can find inside a magazine. I pity her, since I almost feel how she is feeling as of that moment. I transfer my eyes outside the Jeepney, where the wind can take away those thoughts and pain I have inside for that girl I barely know. I pity the girl.

As I observe her, she’s looking Samantha with the look of envy, amazement and sadness all in one. Envy because she doesn’t have the things that Samantha has, amazement by the beauty that is front of her and sadness of wishing she also has it. I sometimes wish I was somebody too. That I have this and that. But having that wish can only give us depression and a sense of hate why we don’t have it. By loving ourselves means accepting what we have.

Wanting something more than what you have is not bad at all. I sometimes think of it as a driving force to achieve something. But try see to it, sometimes it can be a bad attitude. Samantha, having it all wants to have something much better as what she has now. The girl also wants to be Samantha, hating what she is having. I can’t understand why people need to be someone else when in fact its so much cool being yourself.

No one, even twins were born perfectly identical to each other. We all have our own differences from one another that gave our name its own originality. But we sometimes forget who we really are. We tend to forget how God loves us even from our own glitches and imperfections. That we are all perfect, not thru the eyes of the norm but to the eyes of the Who made us.

Life is unfair and will always be unfair. Sometimes it makes us a shit out of it. I can’t blame the poor girl. She wanted what she doesn’t have. And I’m wishing she can have it sooner than I think. I also wish Samantha to have a sense of contentment to her self. She already has it, but she just lacks the appreciation of all the blessings she is having now. May we all find the peace and contentment that we deserved.

Love your Parents

2008-02-08T07:44:00.000-08:00

How many times have we wished that our parents wil leave us alone? That they are always pissing us, that all we wished for is the freedom from them? I have wished that for so many times a long ago, but now, I wished I never did..

I grew up with a tyrant father, and my mom's not always at home since she's the one who is attending our buisness. For a normal child, play is usually the first thing in mind. Second is school, and lastly the household chores. But I never did have the freedom to play as long as I want. All of my actions have a corresponding time on it. And I really hate my father for that. He always want me to focus most of my time on books. But isn't it pretty boring?

I never appreciate my parents most of the time when I was a child. I can only see and talk to my mom at night when she goes home. She will then disappear from home early in the morning to attend to our buisness. But I'm always been a good child. I even gave them the things they want of me...and that is recognition from school. But I always wanted one thing,....FREEDOM.

" I badly need it", I always told myself, without thinking the consequences of what I am thinking. I am still a child, I still have a vague distinction of what is wrong from right. I always wanted freedom, and wishing my father will go away.

It was sunday when my family sat all together at our sala. I can feel a calm ambience on our room, so light and easy, so happy but still, I can feel that there's something wrong. Something that will happen, that will change the mood of the place where we are now sitting.

"Son, focus on your study. Thats the only treasure I can impart on you. Im not getting younger, me and your mom. We are not always here that you can run to. I always believe in you, thats why Im pushing you to excel on your class. I dont want you to be like me". Dad's eyes became watery as he says these words in front of me. I'm silent, thinking of the words and digesting them in my brain. I smiled. Knowing nothing what to reply.

"Please take care of yourself when i'm gone. Your always be my favorite son. Im sorry if I'm too strict at you. You may not understand it now, but soon, you will. I love you son. Even if im not around". I force myself not to sheed a single tear. I smiled. Understanding the truth behind those words.

The next day, I went home from school that evening, excited to see my dad. He was on the sala watching his favorite game, basketball. I bought him cashew seeds, which is also one of his fave. I wanted to say I love him very much, and wanted to hug him. I now understand what he is doing. But Im too shy to tell him that I love him too.

I was on the shower room when I heared my mom cried. " Wake up! Please dont leave us" I know my mom is crying. Sobbing. And hurriedly get up and went to my father's room. I was shocked and stood still on the door as I watch my mom cry. Dad's dead. Of heart attack. Words came flashing back. And thats the time, i sheed a thousand tears.

On his coffin, the last day I will ever see his face, I whispered him........" I love you dad so much. I know I cant bring you back since Jesus already wants you to be with him. I will miss your strictness. And im sorry, I did not understand you that time. Now, I know what you are trying to teach me."

Dad, wherever you are, my success is for you.

Missing Home

2008-01-18T11:56:00.000-08:00

I walk in the city, full of people, crowded and strange. The street is so busy, but I am feeling weird standing on the ground while people pass through me. I’ve been alone living in this foreign land. Almost a year already, and I don’t understand why I am even here. Living alone is not easy. Having the thought that it yes, it means freedom, but it scares me sometimes that all I have is my self. Especially, that I have no friends here. Actually, I have two or more that I consider as friends, but it is hard to trust them as of the moment. Trust is not an easy thing to give. And after all these years, I have learn my lesson pretty well. I’m missing home big time. I feel like I don’t belong here.

Losing a Friend

2008-01-03T08:57:00.000-08:00

I am bad. I didnt think that the words that came out of me will hurt him. He's the only one I have that understands me. Now, everthing is fading into pieces. But he made me angry. And now, I know its my fault why I vent all my heat on him, and I am feeling sorry.

I cursed him on text. Telling how stupid he was for waiting me expect for nothing. I am the type of person who can easily be bored and I cant control my anger sometimes.

I hurt him with my words, but its not me and I never really inetended to say those words. I was just out of my mind this morning. I am so hearltess, well in fact I am now suffering from guilt and regrets. Wish I can win back my friend, but its too late to say the words, "Im sorry".

I dont know, but after saying those bad words, I felt guilty. You know, im not fond of getting angry or having bad emotions to someone, especially my freinds. But I really, I ruined it all. I already lose a one good freind.

If only I can take again my words that i have freed. But its really too late. He's so angry with me. But i hope, its still not late for him to forgive me.

Finding Ever After

2007-12-09T14:04:00.000-08:00

Once I was a boy. Innocent. Carefree. And this is when my story begins.

I've met someone who taught me some lessons in life. But I never knew, those lessons will scar my heart forever.

We moved out to another home. Dad decided it, and I cant have reasons why should I still stay on our old house. It's sad leaving, specially leaving my friends. I would love to stay, but still....I cannot.

On our new home, I've met Joanne. My new neighbor and playmate. Im 7 and shes 6 years old then when I met her. We became best of friends in the village, and the Mango tree where we used to play is the witness for all the times we were together. I carved my name and also her name on the tree, promising that I will always be his prince and she's my princess.

4 years passed, still we became best of freinds. Im always at their house 24 hours a day 7 days a week doing nothing. I would just stare at her while she review her notes, hearing every breath from her lungs and watching her hair fall down. God knows, I love her. I know were still young, but I also know that this is love that im hiding. And it sometimes hurt me, being silent.

I choose to be silent. We can still do the things we used to do without having a fear of rejection once she will know the real feelings I have for her. My mind told me that shes my best freind, but my heart says I love her more than that. I hurt myself being such a jerk, loving someone in secrecy. But what can I do? I'm afraid to loose her. And I still hide my foolishness until we stepped high school. I am a total mess.

Our time became lesser and lesser each day because of our schedule. But that doesnt stopped me from seeing or talking to her. I would sometimes write to her sweet nothing and leave the letters under the Mango tree so that she will know hows my day gone, what I did and anything I can share to her. Theres no cellphone or Email that time. Shes my living diary. And she also wrote letters to me telling me how her day in school was, what she ate during lunch and how much she missed my company. I wanted to write that it even kills me slowly missing her from day to day. But I cannot. I need to hide this shit or all will be fucked up.

I am happy seeing her happy being with me....but as a freind. I would sometimes take her out of their house and bring her in the garden of my grandparents at night. I would lie on the bermuda grass beside her and watch the stars spark on us. The stars knew how much I need her, that i hope time freeze forever being what we are today, that I wished..........I can tell her I love her.

Time flew so fast. Things have changed but our freindship grew splendid. Her mom dont want her to go out anymore and told that she should study more. But thats not a problem for me. I always go to their house at night and pretend that I need Joanne to help me with my assigments. But actually, I did nothing but to stare at her secretly. ...This is not right. I told myself. Will I tell her? But I am afraid.

I lie on my bed, thinking. Pain's too much for me to bear, and I cant take it anymore. I love her, I know it real. I will tell her, even if it means loosing her......

To be continued........

This Is Not Me

2007-12-07T08:38:00.000-08:00

I drowned myself to the spirit of liqours last night. I danced with bacchus running away from what so called reality. This is not me, I told myself as I smiled with the people around me. I asked myself, why I am here? Do they even know me? I have fucked myself all over again from these places, and I love it........just for now.

I am living in the world where you need to put those game faces everytime you need to peek into daily living. Masks worn out, but still they offered the best lies a man could offer. Im like a peacock, designed with those flambouyant colors, but then the peacock and a chicken seems dont have a difference when you stripped down those feathers. Damn yeah, Im the greatest player for this life.....im the greatest fool.

I dont know myself. I just dont know who I am and who I need to be. Can you hear me?

Ive got two sides. But none of them will work for me.

I smilled again to the people sorrounding me. The prettiest smile a boy could ever give. But behind those smiles were my evil grin comsuming me. This is not me. I told myself. This is not me..

Sometimes I need to hate the world. Shes unfair. Shes evil. Shes full of angst, all bestowed on me. I need to find myself. I need to find comfort, not from the other people but to the self Im longing for. Where can I find me?

The show ended leaving myself solitary in these empty cold borders. I lie on my bed, thinking that by the sun comes up this morning, I will see a million mask buzzing around me. And Im one of them.

Sleep embraced me. Taking me to the place where I can be myself. Fully. Unbound.Free. But just for the moment.

Tonight, Ill ask myself again.............this is not me.